


be my mistake

by kingnyoungie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drinking, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Partying, Self-Esteem Issues, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, Toxic Relationships, implied jaehyuck, past johnhyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25896202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingnyoungie/pseuds/kingnyoungie
Summary: Donghyuck has issues. So does Mark.It was only a matter of time before they start crashing down.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	be my mistake

**Author's Note:**

> i got the idea for this fic when i was listening to the 1975's be my mistake. that shit: hurted.
> 
> this is very very angsty imo, and there are some steamy makeout scenes and i only imply that sex happens but i dont really write em cause honestly it makes me uncomfy as heck. even the grinding shit that happened got me all uncomfy but i thought it was integral to the story so is sucked it up. also! a whole lot of cursing but whats new lmao
> 
> talk to me about anything on  twitter   
> don’t forget to leave a kudos if you liked it, and please drop comments! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡  
> it inspires me to continue writing and shows me that u guys are still interested in what i write <33

Donghyuck doesn’t really know how he ended up in this god-forsaken party. Maybe it was Jeno’s _persistent_ begging and pouting for Donghyuck to come along. Maybe it isn’t. Doesn’t quite matter though, because right now, Donghyuck is absolutely hating life as he sips on his second red solo cup that night.

Donghyuck hates beers, why the fuck is he drinking it? He looks at the contents of the cup with a look of disgust on his face. Donghyuck was never one for _cheap_ beers and even _cheaper_ college frat parties.

Then again, he was used to _lavish_ parties and _expensive_ wine and whiskey. _Used to._ Until his ex-boyfriend, or _sugar daddy_ , as Jeno called Johnny, decided Donghyuck was no longer good _enough_ for him.

Granted, Johnny was a sweetheart and that’s not _exactly_ what he said to Donghyuck when they broke up, but _fuck,_ that was what Donghyuck felt.

Johnny was the CEO of some tech company that Donghyuck never really memorized the name of. Johnny was a hot-shot businessman that he met because of the older’s clumsiness and endearing embarrassment. Johnny was rushing to get his cup of coffee before work when he stumbled against Donghyuck and spilled his iced ( _thankfully_ ) coffee on the younger man. Thus, in a very _hurried and worried_ ramble of “sorry” that Johnny was able to stutter out, Donghyuck was endeared. Johnny had then offered to buy him a drink (as he bought a new one anyway) and offered Donghyuck a white button up to change into before Donghyuck went into class. Johnny, the _slick_ man that he is, exchanged numbers with Donghyuck under the ruse of “I’ll make it up to you” and “I’ll need to get the shirt back, somehow.”

Donghyuck didn’t just miss Johnny for his money though. Not just Johnny’s dick, either. Donghyuck missed the appreciation and validation he got from the older. It’s such a shame, really. Donghyuck never figured out that Johnny felt like a _dad_ doting on his son when they were together. So maybe, Jeno hadn’t been that far off from what he used to think.

As Donghyuck chugs the remaining beer in his cup, he’s reminded of the ghost of what his life used to be with Johnny.

Johnny’s happy now, though. He’s in a relationship with a restaurant owner and esteemed chef named Lee Taeyong. Somehow, Taeyong was everything Donghyuck wasn’t. Taeyong was strikingly gorgeous, with a stare that could get someone tripping over nothing. Taeyong was organized. He ran a chain of restaurants all over Korea, for _fuck’s_ sake.

 _Fuck._ Donghyuck was in a college party, on the way to being _completely_ wasted, and he’s thinking about his ex – his ex’s _big_ dick, _big_ wallet, and an even _bigger_ heart.

Donghyuck’s suffering from a very _deadly_ case of _regrets_ while Jeno was nowhere to be found.

Donghyuck gets up, throws his red solo cup somewhere, and decides that he will move to the dance floor. He’s got enough alcohol in his system and he’s ready to take on the world by storm.

Or dance with a hot stranger that would lay himself victim to Donghyuck’s seduction.

Donghyuck is _not_ sober; far from it, actually. But Donghyuck has always been able to handle his alcohol very well – maybe his inhibitions become a _bit_ lost, but he doesn’t ever end up looking like a hot mess that needs to be taken care of.

Donghyuck gracefully walks towards the dance floor, glancing around to look for a suitable victim. He looks for Jeno, first; Jeno hangs around with boys their age, or at least close to their age, and Donghyuck thinks that if he was looking for a night of fun, that’s the first demographic he’ll be targeting for. If Donghyuck was being honest, he was tired of the _older guys can use their dicks in ways that frat boys can’t_ not because it wasn’t true, but because it hits _way_ too close to home. _Yeah, they can dick you down harder, but fuck, they can shatter your heart even harder too,_ Donghyuck thinks.

Jeno, in all his drunken glory, is thankfully at the edge of the dance floor. Jeno was dancing with someone _vaguely_ familiar to Donghyuck, but he doesn’t let himself think too much about it.

Donghyuck moves closer to Jeno and the group hanging around Jeno and he sees Jeno laughing and looking like he’s having the time of his life.

 _At least one of us is enjoying this,_ Donghyuck thinks.

Donghyuck sees a little space near Jeno, and he slips into the said space. Jeno was _wildin’_ and grinding all over the place. Donghyuck puts his hands on Jeno’s waist and guides Jeno’s hips to be in rhythm with his.

Jeno moves his body to turn towards the new set of hands on his hips, but he didn’t need to look at the person in front of him to know it was Donghyuck. Jeno has Donghyuck’s scent memorized by sheer familiarity – how could Jeno ever forget the deep, citrus-y and minty scent that Donghyuck loves spraying himself with?

Jeno smiles widely at Donghyuck, revealing the eye smile that everyone absolutely fawns over.

“You enjoying the party?” Jeno asks Donghyuck.

“It’s alright, I guess,” Donghyuck admits, and to this Jeno snorts.

“Just because this is the first party you’ve been to after Johnny spoiled you with over-the-top suit-and-tie parties,” Jeno teases him, and Donghyuck isn’t at all offended.

Jeno was right, anyway.

“Whatever,” Donghyuck says, accompanied with a roll of his eyes.

Donghyuck moves closer to Jeno and they’re _practically_ clinging to each other, not letting the concept of _personal space_ stop them as they grind against each other’s bodies.

Nothing wrong with some _good ol’ friendly_ grinding. Not for Jeno and Donghyuck, at least.

Donghyuck had always been _physically affectionate_ and Jeno always indulged his affectionate ways. That’s just how they are.

But Jeno pulls away, and for a moment, the two boys were just looking into each other’s eyes, as their hips were mildly swaying.

“Sorry, Hyuck. Kinda used you to get Jaemin’s attention,” Jeno smiled, uttering the words in a hushed whisper against Donghyuck’s ear.

“Oh, you sly bitch, Lee Jeno,” Donghyuck says as he looks back into Jeno’s eyes, a smirk finding its way onto Donghyuck’s lips.

Jeno giggles, and he pulls away, as he grabs Donghyuck’s wrist to introduce him to his group. Jeno moved faster than Donghyuck could complain, so he just let Jeno drag him to a group of people he’s vaguely familiar with.

“Guys,” Jeno starts off, and the group of boys look at him, “this is Donghyuck.”

“Hey, I’m Jaemin,” a tall boy greets him and goes for a hug instead of a _standard_ handshake and Donghyuck doesn’t really mind. The smile on Jaemin’s face is enough reason to explain why Jeno would use Donghyuck to gain the attention of the boy in front of him, Donghyuck thinks.

“Yo, I’m Yukhei,” another _very_ tall and _very_ attractive boy greets him, engulfing Donghyuck in a warm hug that has him face to face with a very _toned_ chest.

“Yukhei, stop crushing him with your chest,” a clipped voice says, belonging to a small boy who looks like he has a sharp tongue to match Donghyuck’s, and Yukhei backs away slowly, a wide grin still gracing the face that god made specially for Yukhei.

“I’m Renjun,” the same boy says, offer him a curt nod and a small smile.

“Hey, the name’s Hendery,” another attractive boy approaches him, but this one’s quite different because while Jeno’s other friends exuded a _boyish_ aura, this boy looked _princely_. Hendery’s presence felt like it was royalty to Donghyuck, and perhaps he felt a wave of familiarity washed over him. Hendery also sports a wide grin and goes to hug Donghyuck.

“Xiaojun,” another boy next to Hendery said, and this one looks like a _super model_ , Donghyuck thinks. With a stoic expression, high cheekbones, sharp facial structure and strong eyebrows, the boy was truly a _sight_ to behold. Xiaojun gives Donghyuck a curt nod and small smile, similar to Renjun’s.

“Oh! Donghyuck! I’m Yangyang,” a very smiley boy introduces himself to Donghyuck, and Donghyuck can’t deny the boy’s cuteness. The toothy grin and wide eyes got Donghyuck, it seems. Yangyang hugs Donghyuck tightly, and it was the warmest hug that Donghyuck had received so far. It was _so_ good Donghyuck was tempted to never let go of the boy with a golden smile.

“I’m Mark,” another boy says, and this one, _oh this one,_ takes Donghyuck’s breath away. Mark is _gorgeous_ ; in an equally _boyish_ and _mature_ way. He looks like the type to be responsible albeit a bit reckless at times, definitely looks like the type of boy to take care of people well, too.

“It’s nice to finally meet the people who’d been willing to adopt Jeno after I _regretfully_ dropped his ass for a CEO,” Donghyuck says, in a light tone that suggests his acceptance of the ruthless turnout of the failed relationship.

Everyone laughs, and Jeno, of course, rolls his eyes and sidehugs him tightly, “I would’ve dropped your ass too, if I’d been getting dicked down and spoiled with Saint Laurent shoes and Chanel clothes all the damn time.”

Laughs erupt from the group again, but Donghyuck’s eyes gravitate to Mark’s figure and he sees Mark in _questionably_ distressed state.

Jeno notices his line of sight before sighing, “Don’t worry about Mark-hyung, Hyuck. His girlfriend just dumped him, for like the fourth time since two months ago.”

Donghyuck whistles and shakes his head with sympathy.

“Must be _rough,”_ he says.

\--

_Save all the jokes you’re going to make,_

_While I see how much drink I can take,_

_Then be my mistake._

\--

It was later into the night, and if Donghyuck wasn’t wasted before, he was absolutely wasted now. The group had scattered all over the place, Jaemin and Jeno retreating into _god knows where_ while Renjun, Yangyang and Yukhei were all playing a game of beer pong with a bunch of other kids, and surprisingly, they were winning. Hendery and Xiaojun were both talking to their other friends, choosing to move their own party in the backyard.

Donghyuck and Mark, however, discovered their shared heartbreak. At first it was just trading shots like it was nothing, progressively losing their brain-to-mouth filters along the way.

They bicker back and forth, joking about each other’s romantic misfortunes, in a very _weak_ attempt to conceal their sadness.

Then, Mark, in his drunken stupor, says “You look really _fucking_ good and I really want to feel your body pressed up against _mine._ ”

Who the fuck was Donghyuck to say no?

So now, they’re treading into _very dangerous_ territory, hands all over each other and bodies moving harshly against each other.

Next thing Donghyuck knows, they’re making out heatedly as they move towards one of the frat house’s many rooms, and Mark looks at him with eyes full of lust.

Before they can do anything more than kissing, though, Mark admits something that makes Donghyuck feel _very_ stupid and _very_ impulsive.

“I haven’t done this before, though,” Mark admits, looking at Donghyuck and Donghyuck doesn’t quite understand.

“You’re a _virgin?_ ” Donghyuck is _very fucking confused_ because if Mark was a virgin, how can he kiss like he’s _lust_ personified? The movement of their bodies don’t scream inexperience either so—

“Uh, I mean, I haven’t done this with a boy,” Mark shyly says.

Oh. _Oh. Oh fuck._

And Donghyuck, because Donghyuck seems to be good at making irrational, impulsive decisions that lead to self-destruction, says, “Am I your little _experiment_ then?”

And _holy shit_ , Mark’s eyes widen and he looks at Donghyuck like Donghyuck came straight out of his wildest fantasies.

Mark takes this as a form of encouragement, and traps Donghyuck once more in a heated kiss.

Donghyuck knows he’ll be regretting this a lot later, but fuck, that’s later Donghyuck’s problem. Current Donghyuck’s problem was the tent growing in his pants.

\--

Donghyuck wakes up next to Mark, with a noticeable distance between them. Donghyuck groans at the sun’s blatant assault to his hungover eyes, and he moves as quietly and carefully as he can.

Just as he would usually do for his one-night-stands. _Prior to Johnny._

Donghyuck was reaching for his phone when he realized that Mark was staring at him.

_Well, shit._

“Uh, so I’ll be going now,” Donghyuck says, not really knowing how to approach the situation. Donghyuck sits at the end of the bed to put on his shoes.

“Can I have your number, though?” Mark asks him, and Donghyuck looks at him with amusement.

“Do you ask all your one-night-stands for their numbers, Mark?” Donghyuck asks, looking at him in suspicion.

“Ah, no, not really. Only the ones that are really _fucking_ attractive,” Mark finishes off.

“I _really_ don’t think that’s a good idea, Mark,” Donghyuck says, with a soft chuckle.

“I—you know what, you’re probably right. I just, last night, with you was just very _eye-opening,_ ” Mark says, hinting at his _obvious_ sexual identity crisis.

“Was I _your_ gay awakening? That’s cute,” Donghyuck says, a smirk on his face as he teases the slightly older boy in front of him.

“I mean, I had always questioned it but you…” Mark says, not sure how to continue, “you just solidified it. By a _lot._ ”

“So, what are you planning to do with my number?” Donghyuck asks, not really seeing Mark’s point.

“Just so I can see you again. Maybe. If you’d like. I’d like sober me to experience _you_ again. Or not really if you’d be uncomfortable with that—”

“Alright, hand me your phone.”

And Mark, in his _stupidly attractive_ face of shock, hands Donghyuck his phone.

“Alright then, _pretty boy._ I’ll be going now,” Donghyuck says, as he smooths out his clothes.

Mark sends him a small smile and mutters a soft ‘thanks.’

Donghyuck just smiles back and proceeds to leave the _damned_ frat house.

Donghyuck hopes he won’t be just an _experiment._

\--

_I don’t want a hug,_

_I just wanna sleep._

_\--_

Donghyuck is really _fucking_ confused. But then again, everything about Mark Lee confuses him.

It’s been a solid month since Mark and Donghyuck had started _whatever the fuck_ they were doing. Well, they were _doing_ each other – very well, if Donghyuck may add – but the entire set up is a mess.

They’d go at it like rabbits some nights and end up on completely different sides of the bed. Sometimes, Mark even leaves before Donghyuck could wipe his own body off the _bodily fluids_ they’ve exchanged. It was draining Donghyuck.

Donghyuck suddenly remembers why he was always the first one to leave his one-night-stands. It leaves no room for emotional vulnerability to grow in his chest; because Donghyuck, as much as he denies it, relies on physical affection and intimacy to feel validated and to feel emotionally fulfilled.

So why the fuck did Donghyuck think this was a good idea, again?

 _A promise of a good time,_ Donghyuck answers himself.

Now, the _promised good time_ feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen. These past few nights, Mark had repeatedly invited the younger boy to his apartment off-campus. Donghyuck sees how stressed Mark is and sometimes, he just wants to hold the older boy’s hand and stop _fucking_ around (quite literally) and talk about whatever the hell’s eating at Mark.

Now, they’re here. Blissed out on post-coital heaven, chests heavy and heaving. Donghyuck faces Mark and he sees Mark facing him, too. Donghyuck sees Mark sleeping soundly, after the _heavenly_ round they went at. Donghyuck sees Mark’s vulnerabilities and anxieties, even in a seemingly relaxed slumber.

Donghyuck falls asleep, too.

But then they wake up, and Donghyuck sees that they’re at other ends of the bed again. They seem to naturally drift apart later into the night, when everything that they want to hide is undoubtedly exposing itself.

In the mornings, when Mark’s hair looks messy and soft, when the sunlight hits his face perfectly, Mark is an absolute _angel._ But then, Mark opens his mouth and _politely_ suggests that Donghyuck _should leave,_ Donghyuck is reminded that the devil was once an angel, too.

Now, he’s seated at his and Jeno’s sofa, binging the latest drama he wanted to drown himself on, a tub of ice cream on hand.

Donghyuck hates feeling like _this._ Small, insecure, and so _fucking_ unstable.

This thing with Mark, whatever the hell it was, is draining him. He can’t help but feel _used_.

Sure, Donghyuck consented to whatever the hell was going on, but it’s so hard to leave Mark when he’s whispering sweet nothings in Donghyuck’s ears when they let their vulnerabilities get the best of them. It’s hard to leave Mark, when after they’ve physically exhausted themselves, Mark talks about what he feels. Mark promises Donghyuck that _one day_ , Mark would be able to find himself. Figure out his _identity._ It’s so hard for Donghyuck to leave, when every damn time Donghyuck feels like he no longer wants to reduce himself as a _play thing_ , Mark assures him that he’s not Mark’s _play thing._ So difficult, when Mark just knows exactly what to say to Donghyuck to Donghyuck up from the deep, _deep,_ ocean of insecurities that Donghyuck drowns in.

Donghyuck likes to think that Mark doesn’t know jack shit about his insecurities – how he’s reduced himself to an object of sexual decisre unworthy of love and companionship.

It’s better to think that Mark’s ignorant rather than an _asshole._

The drama Donghyuck’s plays silently in the background, as Donghyuck drowns himself in ice cream _and sorrow._ Soft sobs erupt out of his body, no longer attempting to mask the _emotional_ turmoil he’s been putting himself under.

Jeno arrives at their shared apartment and sees the slightly younger boy shaking and sobbing, and Jeno’s heart breaks at the sight. After Donghyuck’s relationship with Johnny, Donghyuck had become so _vulnerable_ and so _broken_ that Jeno just wants to murder the man who left Donghyuck.

But Jeno couldn’t. Not when Johnny was a sweetheart who broke things off _for_ Donghyuck, because he believes that Donghyuck deserves to live in a world in his pace, and not Johnny’s. Donghyuck didn’t see the way Johnny’s eyes failed to mask the hurt he was feeling as he convinced himself that he cannot be selfish and let the younger lose his youth for him – Johnny couldn’t handle the guilt of holding Donghyuck back from living out his youth, just because he had a demanding job that would leave them to meet on days that Donghyuck should have spent with his college friends partying.

Jeno couldn’t murder Johnny for loving Donghyuck in ways that Donghyuck could not even wrap his head around.

But times like this, when he’s reminded that Donghyuck was so heartbroken that no one could ever love him again, Jeno wants to murder Johnny. Just march up to his 10-million-dollar apartment and commit first-degree murder.

“Hyuckie, what’s the matter?” Jeno immediately asks, dropping his bags and rushing to cuddle Donghyuck.

“Nothing, ‘m just stupid, that’s all,” Donghyuck sniffs and Jeno is so _fucking_ heartbroken seeing his best friend like this.

“Hyuckie, you’re not. What’s been bothering you?” Jeno asks gently, not wanting to make Donghyuck feel cornered with his questions.

“Mark, he just – he’s – he’s such a fucking ass,” Donghyuck chokes out, his entire body shaking with tearful sobs.

And Jeno, Jeno holds his best friend even closer. He won’t be saying anything about Mark, because he doesn’t need to. Jeno knows Donghyuck knows in himself that whatever with Mark is a disaster waiting to happen. Jeno didn’t need to say it out loud.

As Donghyuck’s best friend, Jeno doesn’t stop Donghyuck from doing things that Jeno would consider stupid (like having sex with someone who sees you as an _experiment_ ), because Jeno wants Donghyuck to experience and to _learn_. Donghyuck is old enough to make his own decisions and to make his own mistakes and he holds himself accountable, too. So no, Jeno did not judge Donghyuck after the one-night-stand with Mark. Jeno didn’t even shout at Donghyuck to stop hurting himself by fucking the pain away. Jeno lets Donghyuck decide for himself, because Donghyuck is his own person. Because Jeno loves Donghyuck as his own person, and not as his best friend.

But when Donghyuck’s mistakes come to bite him in the ass, Jeno will _always_ be there to hold his hand. To lend his shoulder for Donghyuck to cry on. Jeno will always soothe the sun-kissed boy, relieve him of the sobs that capture his body. Jeno will always kiss the _booboos_ away.

Just as he did when they were kids. Just like he’ll be doing when they’ve gone old and gray.

Because even when Donghyuck doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of love, Jeno will always be here to remind him.

\--

_You do make me hard,_

_But she makes me weak._

_\--_

It had been three weeks since Mark texted Donghyuck to invite him over for sex. Donghyuck is thankful, because now he can go out in the morning without limping to get somewhere. Donghyuck is sad, because he’s been _ghosted –_ thrown aside, once more.

On the third week, Donghyuck’s surprised and _livid_ to see Mark and his girlfriend prancing around each other like they’re _dating_ again.

Jeno tells him that they probably are.

Suddenly, everything’s so clear to Donghyuck. He was _an experiment._ Once Mark was able to formulate a conclusion to his hypothesis, he no longer needed the _experiment._ But instead of moping around like how Donghyuck usually would, he felt so _angry._

Donghyuck didn’t deserve to be treated this way. In fact, no one did. Yeah, sure, exploring one’s sexuality through consensual sex is good. But what’s _not_ good, is exploring one’s sexuality through a _relationship_ (if one could even call it as that) and casting aside that _relationship_ without closure. Plus, it’s not okay for Mark to have strung him along that way.

The sweet nothings Mark whispered to Donghyuck’s ears are now bitter unkept promises that Donghyuck would hold against him.

The soft cuddles and intimate touches they shared no longer give Donghyuck a sense of warmth and comfort but rather, the memory provokes a heated anger.

Donghyuck’s mad. He has every right to be.

Donghyuck’s never been good with impulse control.

So, he sends a quick text to Mark that reads: “Finally got the conclusion you wanted for this little experiment of yours, huh? Don’t forget to cite me as one of your references, asshole.”

Just like that, Donghyuck feels an overwhelming sense of empowerment. Donghyuck blocks Mark’s number and he looks at Jeno, who grins at him with a _very proud_ smile. Donghyuck smiles back and in that moment, Donghyuck feels like he’s in control of who he is.

\--

Jeno dragged Donghyuck out to another party and this time, Jeno says that it will _definitely_ be an enjoyable time. Its another frat party, but this time, Jeno guarantees that there will be absolutely _no_ drunken one-night-stands that turn into _emotionally draining_ relationships. Donghyuck trusts Jeno, of course he does, and that’s how Donghyuck finds himself in this situation.

Donghyuck, again, has a red solo cup in hand, but Donghyuck thinks that this party is already _miles ahead_ at being better than the last one because the beer isn’t the cheap shit that tastes like piss.

Another thing that makes the party _so much_ better, is the Adonis of a man in front of him. Jung Jaehyun, a graduating student famous for his _ridiculously_ good looks and _dangerously_ charming dimples. On top of his fame for being insanely attractive, the guy was also the campus _sweetheart._ Smiling at everyone who greets him, helping lost freshmen find their buildings, and overall being a pretty _great_ guy.

Donghyuck and Jaehyun were having a _great_ time, such a _great_ one that he fails to see Mark and his _girlfriend_ join the party.

Donghyuck was barely tipsy, since he didn’t want to be drunk off his ass as he talks to the wonderful man in front of him, and even when Donghyuck’s tolerance is one made of steel, he doesn’t want to risk it. Plus, Jaehyun was really receptive of Donghyuck’s flirting and went along with it. Safe to assume that by the end of the night, numbers _will_ be exchanged.

At the other side of the room, though, Mark is intently watching the two men blatantly flirt with each other. Mark’s never felt this way before – anger spontaneously bubbling inside him, an _innate_ need to interfere with Donghyuck’s conversation.

But he controls the emotions he feels. After Donghyuck sent him _that_ text, after Donghyuck blocked his number, he _knew_ he messed up.

The day that his ex-girlfriend asked him to get back with her, Mark didn’t know why he said yes. Mark didn’t understand why whatever he did with Donghyuck left him feeling guilty.

Because with Donghyuck, everything he thought he knew about himself was shattered. With Donghyuck, he doesn’t know anything – its unfamiliar and uncertain. And Mark, is very scared.

Mark and his girlfriend, Miyeong, are bickering again. It isn’t the _soft_ bickering he does with Donghyuck, either. This one’s filled with spite, anger and some form of resentment.

They’re at a party, and instead of having fun like they would usually do, they’re having a petty _lover’s spat_.

Mark knows that he and Miyeong never stood a chance. Their relationship was one built over malicious intent and will forever stay that way. Mark is _very fucking tired._

He knows Donghyuck’s angry with him, but _why the hell is Mark walking up to them like nothing happened?_

How can he, _Mark Lee,_ bringer of heartbreak to the personified sun that is _Lee_ _Donghyuck_ , still have the guts to talk to him in this party? 

But alas, here he was, smiling at Jaehyun and looking over at Donghyuck.

“Hey, Jaehyun, can I talk to Donghyuck for a bit?” Mark asked the older man, and the older man innocently agrees with a smile on his face.

“Alright, man. I’ll be going, Hyuckie. Text you later,” Jaehyun said, sending a wink that flustered Donghyuck.

The green-eyed monster in Mark needs to _calm the fuck down._

Donghyuck looks at him, an unimpressed look on his face.

“What the fuck do you want, Mark?” Donghyuck asks, full of venom and anger that Mark is stunned.

“I just – I saw – I saw you and I needed to know how you’ve been doing,” Mark stutters out, his nerves getting the best of him.

“Bullshit, Mark. You and I both know you’re here because you can’t handle _your pretty little play thing_ flirting with men who would actually value him,” Donghyuck spat out.

“Hyuck,” Mark tries again, holding the younger by the wrist to try and stop him.

“No, Mark. Go find the girl you’re fucking now,” Donghyuck says, and more than it was aggressive, Mark heard the sadness in his voice.

Mark fucked up. He really did. How will the world ever revolve around the sun when the sun no longer shines?

\--

_Then be my mistake._

\--

The morning after the party, Mark realizes the shit he’s done and how badly he fucked up.

He texted Miyeong to meet up with him at the café, and Miyeong immediately replied to say yes. No matter what happens, Mark would be breaking up with Miyeong.

Miyeong never stood a chance against Donghyuck.

Mark hasn’t felt an attraction as strong as the one that he had with Donghyuck. He’s never felt _so intimate and vulnerable_ with anyone other than Donghyuck.

So, when Mark and Miyeong meet, Mark tells Miyeong bluntly: “We’ll never be able to work out our issues and it’s best if we stop _this_ now.”

Miyeong is in tears, but Mark doesn’t find it in himself to care. Mark doesn’t care about any tears that fall if its not Donghyuck’s.

After meeting with Miyeong, in a rush of emotions, he heads straight to where his heart knows best.

_Donghyuck’s apartment._

\--

Donghyuck hears knocking on his front door, and he’s about to shout for Jeno to open the door until he realized that Jeno was in his Saturday class. _Fuck._

Donghyuck gets up from his spot on the couch and opens the door.

As fast as he opened the door, Donghyuck wanted to slam it shut, but Mark prevents that from happening.

“Donghyuck, please, I just want to talk.”

“Well, I don’t want to.”

“Donghyuck, _please._ ”

And the desperation in Mark’s voice reminds him of the desperation in _his own voice_ when he tried to convince Johnny to stay with him. But Johnny didn’t listen, and that made it hurt a thousand times worse. Donghyuck is kind and forgiving, perhaps _very stupid_ , so the desperation hits him at a bad spot and he gives in.

Donghyuck opens the door, the angered glaze never leaving, but he lets Mark in, nonetheless.

“Then come in, and we’ll talk.”

They sit at the couch. A reasonable amount of space in between them. The tension is suffocating Donghyuck and if he was being honest, he just wanted this shit over with.

“Mark, what the fuck do you want to talk about?”

“I broke up with her – “

“And that concerns me, _why?”_ Donghyuck pointedly asks, barely able to control the anger seething through him.

“Donghyuck, I want to be with _you –_ I _need_ to be with you.”

“Do you hear _yourself_ Mark? You’re saying that shit to someone you left without _any_ explanation?”

“Donghyuck…”

“Mark, what kind of relationship did you think we have? Were we _fuck buddies?_ I don’t really think so, because we were barely even _buddies_ in the first place! You sure as hell aren’t my boyfriend, either. I was just your friend’s friend who you found pretty enough to be your _dirty little secret_ , your _play thing,_ and your fucking _experiment._ ”

“Hyuck, that’s not what I think of you at all!”

“Yeah? But that’s how you made _me_ feel, Mark. I’m not some fucking doll you can play around with and toss aside once you’re bored, Mark – I’m tired of feeling that way.”

“…”

“You know how I bad I struggle with self-worth, how insecure I can get and you fucking used that against me, Mark. You used that to your advantage, and used me to assure you of _your identity_ and rid yourself of _your_ issues. You’re an asshole, Mark.”

“Donghyuck, you have to believe me when I say that what I felt for you was _very real_ and very strong and I didn’t know how to fucking handle that, then, Hyuck. And fuck, I _know_ I’m an asshole and I _know_ I don’t fucking deserve you at all, but I just – I just need to know. Did _we_ ever stand a chance? Had I realized what I felt for you earlier, could I be waking up next to you every morning and cuddling into your warmth? Could I have had _that,_ Hyuck?”

If Mark wasn’t crying a minute ago, he sure as hell was, now. Donghyuck began crying after Donghyuck began admitting how he felt about the _thing_ with Mark. Mark sees the sadness and tiredness in Donghyuck’s eyes and he wants to do everything to make it go away. But he can’t do that. Not when he was the reason for it in the first place.

“Fuck you, hyung. If you think that breaking up with your girlfriend will heal every insecurity I’ve had to struggle with because of what you did, you’re fucking delusional,” Donghyuck says, voice filled with anger and sadness at the same time.

“…”

“It’s time for you to leave, Mark.”

“I’m sorry, Donghyuck.”

“I’m sorry for myself, too, Mark.”

Mark gets up to leave Donghyuck’s apartment, wiping away the tears that run down his face.

As the door closes behind him, Mark is left alone to realize that Donghyuck, the boy that embodied the sun, who warmed Mark’s heart and made his life much brighter, no longer wants anything to do with him. Mark realizes that the sun no longer shines for _him._

**Author's Note:**

> I AM REALLLYYYY REALLY REALLYYYYY FUCKING SORRY FOR DOING MARK DIRTY LIKE THAT. reminder that i dont at all perceive the members to be like that in really life, this was really just a figment of my imagination and i used the members to tell the story of the characters in my head.  
> i guess if u want to be briefed after that wild ride, i dont think anyone should blame donghyuck for acting that way. i tried my best to write donghyuck's character as someone who really struggles to see their own worth because honestly, thats how most of us are. we struggle to love ourselves, hence why we doubt our relationships, because we dont think we deserve good, happy and genuine relationships.
> 
> at the start of the fic, i deadass wanted to make johnny an asshole who really just got bored with donghyuck, but progressing into the story, when you get to the part where jeno comforts donghyuck, you really see the break up from the lens of someone who treasures and adores donghyuck. the first few lines that talk about johnhyuck's break up were told how donghyuck saw it - that's pretty much how donghyuck sees the break up because he sees himself as something that can be cast aside. when jeno told the story, he told the story of a broken man who loves someone so much that he wouldnt want to impose his harsh reality on the person he loves.
> 
> with mark, honestly, i fear that his character was just a person who's made very regrettable mistakes. there isn't any tragic backstory as to why he want back to miyeong. besides the identity crisis, mark was just a normal person caught in a whirlwind of emotions. someoene who made mistakes.
> 
> if ur reading this, u a real one. comment ur thoughts on this fic tho, would really like to know ur thoughts about the entire thing


End file.
